Ok, before I start this is going to probably be a pity party so you have been warned.
I would have to say that I know I have self esteem issues, always have. I know that I should probably take responsibility for them but I have to think that I didn't come into this world with these issues. I have to assume that these were brought on me, I was made to have these issues by other people. I know that this happens in everyone's life but there are times that I honestly feel like I am the only one. I feel alone, sad, depressed at times. I go back in my mind and try to think...when did this start and I can't come up with a certain day or time. I think it comes back to a period of just piling on.
I can not sit here and tell you one time that I have ever heard my parents say they are proud of me for anything....told me I was pretty, told me I was smart, that I was worth something, nope, nadda, nothing. I was never shown the proper way a man should treat a woman which is probably why when I started dating men I allowed them to use me,to never tell me I was pretty, or to value me, why...because I didn't value myself enough to care. Why I allowed myself to stay in a loveless marriage for a decade thinking at the end that it was my fault that he was never home, that he never listened to me, that he made fun of me, that he called me names, told me I was worthless and I took it all thinking that this was the norm when in retrospect it was anything but normal. It was quite abnormal.
Why I can't make friends easily because at some point they are going to let me down and probably use me as others have. Now that isn't to say that I don't have friends, I do, but I have a whole lot of people that I call friends that probably don't know when my birthday is or what my fav color is or what I like to do for fun...the reason they don't know this is because I don't allow them to know it. I don't share therefore, the less they know the less chance I have of getting hurt. Sounds like a good idea right?? Not so much at times. I have probably truly confided in maybe 10 people in the past 10 years. There are things about me that would make some blush, some be disgusted, and some just choose to not be around me, but that is my past, that is what I carry with me, that is what makes me who I am today. Not all good at times, but also not all bad.
I really try to be a good person and do the right things and the things that are expected of me, I fail and sometimes I feel like I fail on a daily basis but that is when I have to remind myself.. I am not in this alone anymore, I have a friend that is with me all the time, that has always been there, but I just refused to allow him in at times. Why?? I could give you a hundred excuses but that is all they would be....excuses! When I truly give my cares and burdens over to the Lord and stop thinking about how bad I have been or how much I screwed up in the past or how much I screwed up today....is when I find true friendship. He is there always without fail, without condemnation, He is there with just one thing....LOVE!! His unfailing faithfulness is what is keeping my head above water at times, when I just want to give up, He is there, when I feel defeated, He is there, when I feel unloved, He is there, ALWAYS!!!!Praise the Lord!!
Well maybe it didn't turn out to be such a pity party after all. :)
