I am such a slacker

Oh my goodness, I just realized I haven't posted anything since the end of October, it has been a whole freaking month...so much has happened...I have dropped about a 100 pounds the kids are all starting college....wait....that isn't right!! It was only a month, not a decade. So let's see what has really been going on....I had a birthday, so I am officially another year older. Getting closer and closer to that 40 mark and I can't stop it. Thanksgiving was great, it was just the 3 of us this year, the boys were with their dad and since I am still not talking to my mother, we didn't have the big family dinner this year. Chris and I made the dinner all by ourselves and for newbies at it.... I have to say we did a pretty darn good job!! It was tasty and didn't kill us so that is always a plus.

The kids are all doing good in school, got report cards, no failing grades this time at all from any of them....WOOHOO!!! So someone is doing something right. Chris and I decided to go shopping on Black Friday, now mind you this is not something we normally do, we are not shoppers by nature, we just go in, get what we need and back out. So up we get at 3:45 am and get ready to hit it. We get to Walmart at about 4:45 and the place is packed, everything is lined up down the center aisles, still wrapped in black plastic with just hordes of people crowded around each pod as if it was going to be the Virgin Mary step out of one.

So 5:00 am hits and now I didn't get to see this, but my darling husband was standing off at a distance so he had a better view than me who was in the thick of it, you could hear this roar from the back of the store that was making its way to the front like a rolling tidal wave, black plastic ripping...people grabbing and snatching like vultures on a dead possum. I was waiting on some 4.00 pjs, to which about 75 more people were clamoring for, I got scared...that's right I am not afraid to admit it... I was afraid I was going to be snatched bald for a pair of 4 dollar pjs. I just backed out and made my way back to Chris. It was at just about this point that I realized....you know what....I really don't have that hunting and gathering mentality, if we ever saw the really bad times were we had to fight for our food....well it could be a great weight loss program for me.

So after this madness you would think, go home right....nope we stayed out amongst these crazy people all day. We finally got home and sit down and were like a couple of old people, went to bed at around 8 only after we had both fell asleep on the couch and recliner too many times to count. We slept like babies that night.

Oh well, till next time....be sweet and don't get caught up in the hype...it will be on sale again before Christmas.

Just a little update

Week of 10/27/2008 What a week it was last week. Not as busy as usual but still enough to keep you thinking...."ok, when did I turn over control of my life to someone else??" Chris and I went and voted last week, this was my first time voting...ever!! I totally felt like an adult afterwards. As I have always heard....now I can complain if I don't like something. I feel really good about my choice, I did a lot...a LOT of research on my candidate and in the long run decided that there is no one that is qualified to run this country. So I just picked the lesser of the two evils.

On to the more personal side of life, my relationship with my mother has not gotten any better, I was just thinking over the weekend about maybe calling her and talking to her but then I didn't....yeah, chickened out. Don't judge me, until you have walked a mile in my shoes with this woman. So on Tuesday, she calls and leaves this nasty little voicemail for my daughter.....just dripping with sarcasm and hatefulness....like I wasn't going to hear the message....I mean come on people, the child is 6 and the phone is mine....like I wasn't going to hear the message!!! Crazier than I first thought!! Oh well, what can you do...you can't pick them. You only have to deal with what you got. Lord, give me strength, slow to anger...that is my new mantra!!! Can you picture me sitting in the middle of the floor indian style, and humming this phrase over and over and over and over.....

I have to say though, through every bit of craziness in my life and and every bit of drama that goes on....the thing that I have found over and over is that I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life. I had an awful day the other evening and it just seemed like everything had gone wrong and the kids couldn't stay in the same room together without one of them breathing too loud for the other's comfort and I had just had it. I storm off into the bedroom where Chris is changing clothes and I am mumbling under my breath about one thing or another and snatching clothes out of the floor for the laundry and the whole time I am just ranting....then I look up at him and he is standing there and I say, "this isn't about you... I am just in a bad mood"...to which he replys with that smile that I can't resist....."Really, you don't say". I lost it, I started laughing and couldn't stop. I told him later...that is why we are so good together...he made me stop and just laugh. I hug him and tell him daily that I love him, but in my heart it is more than just love....he saves me, he pulls me up and through my rough days!! I love you baby!!
Until next time...be sweet and don't eat too many sweets this halloween!! BOO!!!

Feeling Lost

Good Morning, it is another beautiful fall morning. Cool, crisp air, had frost on our windows this morning. I am looking forward to the leaves all changing and then having to drag out the long sleeves again. Nice!! This is my favorite time of year.

I am so blessed, I have great kids, a wonderful husband, great friends, a roof over our heads and money in the bank....so why is that at times I feel lost. I don't mean the kind of lost that you have at the world's largest shopping mall and you took a wrong turn kind of lost. I mean the lost that you feel inside....like something is missing. I am struggling so hard to get deeper into my spiritual life and I find the devil is hard at work on that as well. He is trying everything possible to keep me from that closer walk with the Lord. I go to church, I listen and sing the songs, I listen to the Pastor preach, I try to do what is right but at the very core, it feels like a show sometimes. I hate this feeling. I want to know, that I know, that I know, that I know.....(one of my favorite sayings from a great lady). I want to have my joy back...not the kind of joy that comes from my family. I want the joy of knowing that Christ is at work in my life. I have lost that feeling, and it saddens me greatly. I told a friend recently that there are times that I feel like I am just going through the motions and I don't know how to make it stop.

I am making it my mission starting today to get more into the Word, spend more time in prayer, more time in submission and get back what the enemy is trying to steal from me.

Sorry, didn't mean to get on my pulpit today but it is really a burden on my heart recently and I just needed to get it out. Because honestly, the only way you can have the peace and joy and love is from Him. I am desperate to have it back.
Oh well, till next next, be sweet and get lost in prayer, in the word and in the end..get found!!

Week of 10/12/08

Taking time out to remember this week
This past week has just flown by, the kids are out of school this coming up week for fall break. I will only have Kylie for the whole week, the boys decided they wanted to go to their dads so they could hunt this week. That's ok, it is something they like doing so I don't mind it. Plus, I know that I can be boring with no fun things for them to do. Oh well, there is usually only one fun parent.
Speaking of parents, I still have not managed to talk to mine, I know that I will and that I have to. I just can't bring myself to do it. I almost feel better knowing that I don't have to fool with her. Wrong probably, and not a very Christian attitude, but hey I am still working on it. We had a family b-day dinner that we went to on Friday and she was there, not one word was spoken between her and I or Chris either for that matter. I don't know what he done to her but she obviously isn't speaking to him either. To be perfectly honest though, I don't think he cares one bit. Not her biggest fan, oh well.
I have to say though, I feel so blessed to have such great friends. In this life you try and surround yourself with people that encourage or at the very least bring something to the relationship. I have to say at this very moment, I am completely surrounded by the greatest circle of friends. I have never been one to make girlfriends easy, I have always tended to lean toward more men friendships and that still holds true for the most part, but I have found that you just have to find the right women friends and that makes all the difference.
Oh well, enough rambling for now, who knows maybe I will post another one soon.
Till next time, be sweet and love one another.

What a week!!

I have to say, this has probably been one of the most emotional weeks that I have had in a very long time. It started out good, really it did. Monday was good, well it was Monday, so how good could it be really. Tuesday on the other hand left a whole lot to be desired. Now I have written before about the relationship with my parents, not the best in the world, but whose really is?? Tuesday was the lowest I have to say though. She proceeded to pitch a fit in my house, that's right, my house and even threaten to "beat the he** out of my son" yeah, that's right, in my house. So now I have come to the conclusion, that my mother is either pshychotic or just plain crazy, I am leaning more toward "crazy". Gosh, I really hope that isn't hereditary!! LOL So as of today, I haven't spoken to her again and probably won't for a while and frankly I am kinda ok with that.

I do know that I will eventually have to talk to her and just let her know that I am an adult now and in being one, I will not allow her to belittle me or my children....ever!! But my fear is this, in telling her this, I am afraid that my almost 38 years of anger at this woman will come undone and I could end up in jail. LOL, I laugh but it really isn't that funny. I guess I laugh to keep from crying. I have learned that in loving someone you have to love whole hearted, I feel like I have done that and put my heart out there too many times, got my feelings hurt too many times, and at some point I have to just stand up and say "enough" I love you but I am done being hurt by you. I can't sit around and wait on you to love me back whole hearted. I can't do that and deal with the pain. It is just too much for me. So yeah, I will forgive her because that is what God commands me to do, but I don't have to let one person become a toxin to me. The bible says, we have to respect our mothers and fathers, I think the biggest respect I could give them would be to distance myself and obviously not put them through the hell of having to deal with me and me having to deal with being hurt. Sounds like a good plan huh?? I am sure it easier said than done. Well who knows, maybe we will all be better off because of it.

On a lighter note, we went with a group from our church to see "Fireproof" excellant movie. I laughed, I cried, laughed some more. It was great. I left the movie theater knowing that once agian, I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful man by my side and to truly know what love means. To know that I have a partner who loves and respects me is one of the greatest gifts of marriage. I encourage anyone to go see this movie and will be telling everyone I know to go. It is very uplifting and encouraging.

So grab a hubby, (preferebly yours) and go see this movie, it will really leave you having lots to talk about.

Until next time, be sweet and go to the movies, make a date night!!

Fireproof

Busy as a bee!!

WHEW!!! I am ready for a nap. I have been working really hard this week trying to get some stuff that I have been neglecting at the church. I am proud to say that the new and updated address book is done as well as the updated birthday and anniversary booklet. This has been on my plate for a few weeks now, I have just been slacking on it. But not anymore, I finished them both today!! Yeah, Karen!! Ok, that was my own pat on the back, I am done now!!

Couple of things new with me, joined MYSPACE this past week, this is the same person that was saying, I think I am the last person I know to have a page. So now, I have one. It is really kinda cool, the way you can connect to old friends or even new ones.

I spoke yesterday with the leader of Wellness Steps and she informed me that it wasn't to late to join for the next 9 month session, so come Monday night, I am going for my orientation and then Tuesday is our first class. I am kinda looking forward to it, I know that I will be sore and grumpy the first couple of weeks, but honestly, when Chris and I did this before I felt fabulous, eating good and exercising, it was great!! So I guess you could say I am about to jump back on the wagon.....again!!! I really let myself go after my surgery in June, not being able to move around alot and being on restriction really made me kinda lazy.

As far as the family and kids go, things have been good for the most part. Boys are still liking school, and I am so surprised with Tanner, he still comes home just about every day telling me he had a great day. I love that he is having fun and making new friends. We went to their open house last week and met most of the teachers, seemed really nice but really scatterbrained, like how in the world they get anything done is beyond me. Kylie is doing great, making all A's and still loving her teacher. That makes me happy to know that everyone is doing good and liking school. Chris got involved in the Fantasy football league they started up at church, he is like a man obsessed with it. It is really funny though, last week, my oh so sexy geek beat the church's most sports minded and athletic guys team, it was great. So now he has bragging rights for at least a week.

I have to keep pinching myself at times, I am so in love with this man that at times it feels like a dream, how could he really be mine. I am so blessed to have found this man and have him in my life. I just hope that everyone could feel this kind of love at least once in their life. I still get chills every time he touches me or gives me that look that makes you feel like you are the only one in the room. Oh my goodness, he just makes my heart smile!! I love you babe!!

Mom's Taxi, at your service

I have been so busy here lately that I haven't had to do anything hardly, much less blog. I was missing it. I have found that I love writing down my thoughts and then knowing that no matter how mad I get or how insane I sound at the time, it is only me that will ever know....well me and who ever else decides to read this blog.

Since school started about a month ago, I feel like I am running more than ever, I am a sahm and I feel like I am never at home. This is crazy sometimes. I get up, get ready most morning and get out the door to take daughter to school and husband to work, than back home if I don't have other errands or things to do and then back out to pick up from school and work in just a few short hours. We only have the one car, well correction, we have more than one car, but only one is running at the present time. I keep saying I would like to get a job and go back to work but I am quickly realizing....I already have an almost full time job. Yikes....where is my 401 K sign up??

This whole weight loss journey...if one would dare call it that, is a battle I am losing daily. I get up with every intention of doing good and then....bam!!! Give me another bag of chips or bring on the rice krispies treats. I am pathetic in this battle, it's a good thing I wasn't leading any kind of war or anything....we would have lost big time!!! I am weak and I know that..I am not ashamed to say it or....(gulp) admit that I am an addict. Ok, there I said it...now leave me alone. I play the battle over in my mind daily, I don't need the disapproving looks or the fact that I notice all my clothes getting snugger again to remind me that I am weak. But the enemy still messes with me on a almost constant basis, every time I think about going swimming or taking a trip with my beloved hubby wondering if they will charge me extra because of my weight, not getting on roller coasters at amusement parks because of the fear that I won't fit into the seats, you know that feeling watching everyone else come off the ride thinking, ok how much bigger am I than them, that maybe I could fit without the embarrassement of having the little pimpled face punk come over and tell me that I am too fat to ride his freaking ride. Or the fact that everytime I go to be intimate with my husband, I wonder if he is silently comparing me to his ex's or girls that he has seen on tv and wondering why I can't look like them. Wondering if my not taking care of myself will eventually be the thing that will kill me and rob me of being with my family.....I know....it is a battle every day. 

I think it is funny how people that never seem to have had a weight problem want to be the first one to tell you how to deal with yours. That is when I just want to scream....BITE ME!!! That's right, suck on my big fat toe, you skinny bi@@@!!! Oh well, now that is out.

Until next time....be sweet and heck...go eat a cupcake...who cares anyway!!!

It is almost the end of August

As we soon get ready to say goodbye to summer, I say...YIPPEE!! I am not that big a fan of the hot sticky summer months. I really enjoy spring and fall but with that love comes the fact that I can't breathe most of the time. What can you do though, you have to take the good with the bad in every situation.

We went to the COGOP Assembly last week over in Nashville, it was fun to get away with the hubby and daughter but I have to say, the speaker on Sunday kinda left me feeling like...what the heck was he talking about. But like Chris says, every message is meant for someone, maybe that just wasn't my sermon. Got to reconnect with some old friends, that was a lot of fun.

Last night at our small group meeting at church, we started a new series that Joyce Meyers does, "Battlefield of the Mind" excellent so far and I can't wait to see the rest of it. This woman is fired up and anointed. Talking about how the devil likes to play with us, mess with our minds. Letting the bad thoughts in is just letting him win, so I can't wait to see what else she has to say.

My parents.....oy vey...these people really must be stopped. They pulled another one of their crappy stunts this past weekend that just makes you stand back and go.....what in God's name is wrong with these people. I just wanted to kick them in the rear for the crap they did. See, see, I am already letting my mind have the bad thoughts...Joyce I am so sorry, I am not the best pupil in the class but I am trying. Oh well, until next time....

Be sweet and get ready people....because fall is coming!!!

I'm still surviving

Well it is official, the kids are back in school now. This is the first full week for all of them. I have to say that although it has been tough at times...for example....the day I dropped my precious 5 yr old off at the door and she just runs inside like such a big girl, or when I say, would you like for me to come have lunch with you and she asks....why?? Gulp...ok mom, now don't cry at this point, remain strong. The boys are liking school so far, of course it has only been 4 full days, so give them about another week and then the hate will set in.

I have to say...with my weight loss or lack there of...we could probably be saying weight gain at this point. I feel utterly helpless and hopeless in this endeavor. I feel like such a failure because I can't seem to lose weight, I know that I am a stress eater and yeah, I have had a few stresses lately.....but you would think that if I know I have the problem that I could fix it....nope not me. Hubby and I have talked about joining the YMCA and working out there...oh great no pressure, just get in there with all the other size 2 ladies that need to drop what...like 3 pounds. Give me a break!! I could just snap them in two like a toothpick.

I was able to spend some time with the family lately, and when I say family...I don't mean my darling husband and kids...I mean....you guessed it....my parents. Now these are the same people that when I invite them to a party or get together, they can't wait to get the heck out of there. It's like as soon as the last bite hits the back of their throat they are out the door. You would think I was going to make them do the dishes or something. But, you let my sister have a party and invite them....now keep in mind I love my sister dearly and hold her in no way responsible for their child like behavior, well, katy bar the door, they are closing the place down. Can they help with clean up, do you need me to do anything....couldn't have been any nicer. Do they honestly think I can't see this?? Do I have stupid blind person written on my forehead and if I do then please someone tell me so I can get it off. I can't believe that I let this little petty crap hurt me like it does. My husband keeps saying it is him they don't like and I don't think it is. I really don't think they like me very much and I don't know why. I try and rack my brain and figure out what I could have possibly done to cause the dislike so much....did I not stay in my mentally abusive marriage long enough, do I not beat my kids enough, is it that I am in a marriage with a man that truly loves me and respects me, is it that I don't work, so therefore I am not a contributing member of society, is it the fact that I am a proud Christian and try to serve God, is it that I am too nice and try to do things to help out others.....what is it...what is it...WHAT IS IT, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! Someone please tell me, someone please try and help me to understand this pain. I don't know how much more of this I can take on a daily basis, these are the people that gave life to me, what in God's name did I do that was so bad for them to not like me.

Oh well, enough of that. I have cried many tears over this, I feel like I have been punished enough for whatever wrong doing they seem to think that I may have done.

Until next time...be sweet and kind to others, you never know who you might make the day of.

School bell is ringing!!!!

Wow, it is that time of year again. Time for school to start back, time for a giant sigh from most moms that have endured a summer of...what can we do today, or I'm bored, let's do something or just the constant fighting of them being together all day. But for me, this is kinda been a tough time. I am sending my youngest daughter to public school and I have to say, I am the one not handling it well. It has gotten a bit easier over the past few weeks but her big day is tomorrow, so we will see how I fare. I envision this crazy mom scene at the school, me hanging on to her arm and crying, don't take my baby, while they are calling the school resource officer out to restrain me and my daughter is looking at me as if I have grown a third eyeball in the center of my forehead. Like, jeez mom, get a grip. Let's just hope it goes better than in my mind.

I celebrated my 6th wedding anniversary with my wonderful husband this past weekend. We got away for a couple of days, just relaxed, went to dinner, went to a murder mystery dinner theater. This was a hoot, I loved it. The actors just kinda mingled all around the theater amongst everyone. It proved to be a very enjoyable evening even if I didn't know who was the killer.

I got my 6 week post op check on last Thursday, she said that everything looked good and that I was healing nicely, still got some stitches that are still hanging on and not wanting to leave, but why leave when I give them such great and roomy accommodations. I am feeling great and I am so glad that I got the surgery done now.

Well, that is about all I can come up with for now.

Until next time....be sweet and stay out of the heat if you can, it is brutal.

I am such a slacker!!

Yeah, I know I am, no need to tell me. I haven't posted in about 2 weeks. I suck at keeping up. Oh well, there could be worse problems. I am 2 days shy of my 5 weeks post-op and I am feeling great. I have no pain now whatsoever and I have to keep reminding myself to be careful, don't overdo it, I don't want to do any damage to things still healing that would force me to have to "be good" for any longer. Oh my gosh, let me just tell you now, this has been the longest.....longest 5 weeks so far and I have one more week to go...come on people. Woman can not survive with food and sleep alone. I must have hubby!!! LOL, Now don't blush, this is the real me, if you can handle it ok, if not, then stop reading now. My parents have not disappointed me in that, they have yet to ask me how I am doing, how my recovery process has been or just "how you feeling today", nope, nothing, nada. Oh well, you might say, well you asked for it by not telling them, and to some degree you might be right but they are still my parents and are supposed to care about me....oh wait...maybe that is it. (this is where the light bulb goes on above my head) They are acting like people that don't care, so now I know.

I don't know what has really kept me from posting the last couple of weeks, I haven't been that busy and I haven't had a legitimate reason really other than, well, I just haven't felt like putting my thoughts down on paper just yet. But, today is a new day, so here goes. I am putting my kids back in public school this year, my daughter will go into the first grade, my son into high school. I have to say that going into homeschooling I really didn't know if I would like it or not, but now that I am not doing it this year, I have to say I think I am going to miss it. I really want to go back to work but I guess I want my cake and be able to eat it too. I got really emotional last night at out church small group meeting. They asked about prayer request and I just kinda lost it and had to leave the room. I really am struggling with this whole school thing for my daughter, now I don't worry about my son that much, he can handle himself. Truth be told, my daughter can too. I just worry about her. This is my baby, this is the last time that I really feel like I can hold on to her and keep her small. To put her in school is like telling her it is ok, mom won't always be there, now go out into the world and grow. That thought literally hurts me to my core. Knowing everything this world has to offer and all the bad things as well. I feel like I can't protect her forever but while she is small, that is my job and it just feels like I am letting her go get hurt.

I know how girls are in school, trust me I was one once. They are cruel, I would never want someone to tell my daughter she isn't smart enough or pretty enough or friendly enough to do anything she wants in life. I never want her to have one minute's doubt or fear but to hope that she never has this is to also wish that the sun won't rise tomorrow or that the stars won't shine in the sky at night. It is crazy to think that she will never be hurt in life but like I said, while she is small I feel like that is my job to protect her from that.

Oh well, enough of that. I will be off to crying again. I am so sick of this weak side of me and just wish for once that I could be strong and not let my insecurities rule my emotions. As I always say, grow a spine, but easier said than done.

Ok, until next time, be sweet and go hug a child while they still let you because who knows, maybe next month they will think you sprouted that second head and want have anything to do with you.

What a blessing!!

Well I went back last Thursday for my 2 week post op check. The nurse said everything was looking good and healing up nicely and to come back in 4 more weeks for my last follow up. I go back on July 31, one day after my anniversary with my wonderful husband of 6 years. That is what I thought I would journal about today, our relationship.

We met in a very unconventional way, through a friend, well that isn't exactly honest but only he and I will ever really know the truth and that is the way it will stay. I have to say, I heard a line the other day in a movie and it made me just go...yeah, that is exactly what I was feeling, the line was this..."You were everything I always dreamed about in a man and it scared me to death to find you" That is exactly how our relationship is, because when we first met I was a little bit on the bitter and defensive side, from my previous relationships and marriage of almost 10 years. Then here rides into town, my hero, he was everything I ever dreamed about in a man and it scared the crap out of me. He was so nice, sincere, funny, everything...the whole package. Then I started keeping my distance, this couldn't be happening to me, he was too good to be true. We would talk on the phone for hours, we would email all the time, we became friends before anything, (which in my opinion is the only way to go) we would spend our dates together just talking and having fun, I never really let it get into my heart that I was falling for him.

They say every relationship has a defining moment, I have shared this story with him and he always says.."really, that was it?" On one of our dates, he took me to a museum, first time I had ever been to one, as we are walking around looking at the exhibits and all, he has this new odd demeanor about him, he is avoiding me, he was so aloof, he wouldn't hold my hand, he would brush off all my attempts to flirt with him and it was at that moment..that very moment that I realized...."oh my gosh, I am falling for this guy and I have totally messed it up". I had put up so many walls that I was pushing out the best thing to come into my life in along time. It was just shortly after that date that our relationship took on another level, I started opening up to him, started letting him into my world and he done what he had always done, he jumped in with both feet. Now that isn't to say that I still didn't have issues to work through and come on, lets be honest here, I still have issues to work through, but I began to see that letting someone in didn't necessarily mean you were setting yourself up for heartache again.

We dated for over a year and then got married, we have had our ups and downs, but I have to say the ups, always, out measure the downs by leaps and bounds. This is a blessing that God sent to me and I plan on treasuring my blessing for as long as God sees fit to let me have him on this earth. I have found love and know what it means now to look into the eyes of love and know that everything I did, everything I went through, every trial that I faced, brought me to this man and for that I am truly blessed and highly favored!!!

Until next time.....be sweet and don't give up....your blessing is coming...just be able to recognize it!!!

It is freaking July 1st already

COME ON!!! I can't believe it is already July. This year is officially half over, have you started your Christmas shopping yet?? Not me, I wait till the very last minute almost, although I have to say I am not nearly as bad as my dear sweet husband. He likes to wait to Christmas Eve to go shopping, give me a break, I would rather shoot myself in the foot than to do that. Less painful, I am sure.

Well I am almost 2 weeks post-op and really starting to feel better, I am moving around alot better now and not in pain hardly at all, except for the occasional back spasm. Don't really know what that is all about?? I was starting to think I had made a huge mistake by getting the surgery done, last week I was hurting all the time and not feeling good at all. Glad that has gotten better.

I have to say though, I have not only fallen off the proverbial weight loss wagon, I think I have fallen under it and been run over a couple of times. I have totally been eating the wrong stuff lately. Shame, shame, shame, I know, I don't need you to tell me. :(

I found out recently that they are going to be starting a new weight loss program in August, so I am all on board for that one and I will be all medically released by then and good to go.

So here is the drama that I have been living in, when I decided to have my surgery I decided not to say anything to my mother about it. Now, before you say "oh no" and start clucking your tongue at me, let me explain. We don't exactly see eye to eye on things, well a lot of things to be honest and I knew that if I told her she would want to come down to the hospital. That is the last thing I wanted or needed, so I thought why not just wait till afterwards and tell her and just let her know that I did not want her to worry or anything....sounded like a good plan....until my sister's mother in law ran into my mom in the store and mentioned it, the day after my surgery. Well you can guess the scene she pitched....oh, but not to me. My sister called me and let me know what had happened to which I tried to call and explain and she wouldn't take my call. Oh well, what can you do. So then about 5 days later she calls and says...are you ready for this...."I don't mind telling you, you really hurt me" WHAT THE CRAP!!! I hurt her, are you kidding me, she is going to come at me with that?? This is the same woman that put me through hell my entire life and now into my adult life, wants to tell me that I hurt her!! Give me a break!!

Ok, I am off that soap box, for now. Trust me there will be other days that I can rant and rave about this person. I am so sick of trying to please my parents that I am done trying, that's right, you heard it here first. I am done trying. They can kiss my big toe!! Well now that I said that, you know what I am going to do right?? You guessed it, I will continue to check my spine at the door anytime I am around them.

Until next time...be sweet and take it easy on the fireworks...not everyone likes them!!! :)

I'm back!

Well, I am back after my surgery and just thought I would jot down my thoughts over the past week.

On Tuesday before the surgery, I was really busy which is a good thing because it kept my mind off of the next day. I had to go get my blood work done, get a mammogram, run some errands, and got to join some friends for the final adoption ceremony of their precious little boy, it was great. Went to my husband's softball game that night and they lost again, but hey it was fun. Now they just have three games to make-up and the season will be over. Now what will I do on Monday and Tuesday nights?? So all day Tuesday I had to be on a liquid diet, so in total I ate like 4 popsicles all day?? Sounds yummy doesn't it?? Then I had to drink this gross stuff to help clear things out...if you know what I mean...I was going to clear things out all right, I was going to puke it up. This stuff should be outlawed. Oh well, so then on Wednesday morning, we get up and get dressed, the nerves are hitting really hard right now. We get down to the hospital and check in and almost immediately the woman comes out and calls my name....I mean, come on, any other time I would be sitting there for like an hour, but not today!! So we get back there (hubby and I) and I get one of those fancy gowns that they give you, very stylish...but wait you haven't heard the best part yet. They bring in these beautiful white stocking that I have to wear, up to the knees, they are supposed to help with your circulation and help keep you from getting blood clots. They were all the rage!! Oh, and did I mention the booties, very nice as well. I felt so bad, I didn't bring the staff anything. Live and learn.

So then they come in and hook up my IV and get it going then the nurse tells me that I have to take off any jewelry, well the only thing I had on was my wedding ring, so I was a bit reluctant to do this but as I am taking it off the nurse says...in her oh so clever way..."don't worry, you can have it back on the other side"....WHAT!!!!! The other side, now hold on....I didn't sign up for that, I mean I am ready to go...but just not today. So needless to say that got a good laugh from everyone in the room. Then she comes up with another doozy, she is working on my IV and says something to the effect of you will like this better than that big needle, at that point I told her...we are going to have to work on your bedside manner...talking about the other side and the big needle.... this woman must be stopped. She was really nice though.

So then they come to get me and I start to walk out and just assumed that Chris would be going with me...don't ask me why, it is just that we do everything together so I wasn't even thinking when we got up to walk out, so I turned and kissed him and told him I loved him and then I was on my own. Scary, to say the least. As we are walking down the hall, they (the staff) are so nice, they give me this nice little blue hat to wear, I mean these people are generous with their goodies. I walk into the operating room and everyone is setting up, getting ready to slice and dice me, so I thought, well it's now or never. So I say...Good Morning everyone...did everyone sleep well last night, no arguments with the spouses or anything. This got great laughs. I was a hit!! I lay down on the table and they start getting me ready and put the oxygen mask on me and my doctor comes over and is rubbing my shoulder and calming me basically and the woman with the good meds comes in and says....."ok I am here" and folks, that is all she wrote. I was gone.

I woke about 3 hours later to the most intense pain and pressure on my left side and bottom, and shaking like I was in the artic naked. Then they come with those nice warm blankets and this machine whose sole purpose is to blow warm air under your blankets, it was heavenly.

So as far as the pain goes, it was substantial and still hurts today but everyday it is getting a little bit better and that is the only thing that is keeping me going at this point. I keep saying, tomorrow will be better. My darling sweet Chris has done nothing but wait on me hand and foot basically and for that I will always be grateful buit the thing I learned the most in this whole thing is that this man was truly a blessing from God, he was willing to do things for me that most men would just cringe and say call your mother. I know without a doubt that this man was sent from heaven and although it took us both previous marriages and divorces before we found one another, he is the other half of my heart and soul. I love you babe!!

Until next time....be sweet and thank God for the wonderful blessings in your life!!

As the time draws closer

As I mentioned in my last blog, my surgery is scheduled for this Wednesday and I have to say I am getting pretty scared. It really all hit home when they told me when to come in and get my blood work done and all. I was like...yikes, it's really here. So now it is 2 days away and I went to the store today to get all my necessary supplies that I would be needing, and as I am standing there in the soup aisle looking for broth, because I have to be on a liquid diet the day before, I almost cried. Then I went to my happy place......picture if you will, aaauuummmm, aaauuummmm, ok I am better now. One good thing, I can eat all the popsicles I want....wait are they taking my uterus or my tonsils... I hope they make sure before they snip.

My boys have been gone for a week now, and will be gone until Wednesday of next week, we just thought this would be better for me not having to referee arguments or break up fights. I have to say that I am physically prepared for this but mentally...still a little shaky but it will get better. Hey it will be the best sleep I have had in about a year, since my last procedure. Dang, that is some good sleeping, wish they could bottle that stuff and send it home with you. I love when they get you in there and start asking you questions and then they say...now count back from 10 and in my experience.....8 is a good number for me.

So this will probably be my last blog until later in the week, I have told my husband he is to take pics during the whole thing that way I can scrapbook it. I mean come on, it is as big an occasion as having a child, right?? Everyone wants to scrapbook that, so why not the taking of a uterus, maybe it is just me...weird, I know but hey I never said I was normal....in the immortal words of Kelly Ripa...."don't you judge me people". LOL!!

Until next time...be sweet and go eat something solid for me tomorrow!!!

I don't do alone well

As a mom they say silence is golden...but as I sit here in a silent kid free house, I am thinking that maybe that doesn't hold true for everyone. Now I have always known that maybe, just maybe I don't do alone well. Well if I am being honest here, I have never liked being alone, at night, during the day or anything. Now that isn't to say that I can't function alone because I am quite capable of doing it, I just don't like to. I am more of a need to hear you around or at least know you are on the grounds kinda gal.

I can't say that I know where this comes from, some people just are like this and I fortunately or unfortunately, I am one of them. Depends on how you look at it. I probably drive my darling sweet husband crazy with this, most men go out and spend their weekends doing things with the guys or manly things. We have found that we actually like being together and doing things as a couple. We shop together, (we both detest this one) we see movies together (if one of us can stay awake), we play together and basically do everything together. We are such saps, just yesterday, it was a Monday, hubby calls and says I am missing you today and I was like, I am so missing you today as well. I just feel like when he isn't around that part of me is missing. He says to me, we are going to have to start fighting on Sunday nights so it won't be so hard for me to go to work, I told him, well we could have bigger problems I guess, than missing one another. We are so stupid but so in love that it is scary at times. I have to say though, I will take this any day of any week of any month and wouldn't change it for the world.

The softball season is coming to an end soon, man I have to say I have really enjoyed watching the games this year, so much fun and getting to see my man out there playing so good and looking so hot.....whew.....someone throw me a towel!!!

Well the countdown is on the big day, I have surgery in 7 days, yikes, I am still nervous but it is getting a little bit better.

Until next time....be sweet and tell someone that you love what they mean to you!!

The same but not the same

I have to say this blog really started out as just a whim but has really turned into something that I enjoy doing and look forward to writing my thoughts and feelings down for. I had started journaling in a book that I got a while back and I mean wow, the things that just pour out when you write, I mean it is one thing to have the thoughts and feelings in your head and body but when you start putting them on paper. So therapeutic, who needs therapy?? Just start journaling. I have always wanted to do a gratitude journal but could never get in the habit of it.

I am coming to a new milestone in my life, I have had my kids, I love them dearly but the thoughts of having another one actually make me cringe. I know that I have exactly what God wanted me to have and I am happy with that knowledge. I don't think I could be a good parent to anymore children, I find myself at my wit's end at some points and think, what in the world was I thinking?? With that being said, and after some health problems I am going to have the big surgery, hysterectomy, the date is already set. June 18, that is the day that I become less of a woman, or not a whole woman anymore. It is so scary at times, I was reading a booklet that I got from a support group, of women that have and are waiting to go through the same procedure. It talks about all the things you need to do to prepare your mind and body and home for this major thing. What to expect in the first couple of weeks, what not to do and what to do. The lists where long for both. I was a little scared before hand but after reading it I was, I have to say it, a little bit on the terrified side and it probably didn't help any that my dear sweet loving husband, as I am trying to read him some of the book, he just walks out of the room as if I am not talking and then when he comes back, stupid me tries to bring it up again and he says, "well, won't you feel better and be up like the next day??" I have to say that at that point that I knew that he would never understand how I was feeling. Being able to bear children used to be the sign of a good woman, now knowing that and also knowing that I don't want anymore children but just the fact that it could never happen again, that I will never have that feeling of carrying a child again, never feel that kicking or moving inside me, knowing that I am sustaining another life, is a very scary and unsettling thing to a woman. I don't think that a man could ever understand that, or even comprehend it. It kinda feels like I will be less of a woman in his eyes, though I know in my head that is not what he is thinking. I guess I just needed him to listen and he immediately tried to come up with a solution, which is what guys do, but at that given moment, that is exactly what I didn't need.

I don't anticipate anything going wrong with the surgery, I have a good doctor and totally trust her, but I still can't help being scared. This will be the longest and most major surgery that I have and hope to ever go through. I am hoping that afterwards I am going to feel so much better and be able to not worry about certain days of the month anymore, that my life will be better because of this. I have talked to a few women in different stages of their recovery and all have said the same thing, they never regret doing it. I know that in time I will be able to add my name to that list as well, but for now the only thing I am consumed with is fear. So that is where I am going to have to turn it over to God and ask for his help with my fear. I need a new peace now and a calm to settle over me or I may end up calling and canceling what is needed to make me feel better.

Until next time.....be sweet and go hug someone you love today!!!

A New Day

AAHH, another week has come and gone. It will soon be June already, this month is already gone. We have had a few busy weeks here lately. I would love to come on here and tell you that I have continued with the wellness class and still eating right and doing the exercise classes....I would like to tell you that...but it would be a lie. I have fallen off the wagon AGAIN!!! Now come on, those of you that know me and those of you that know how hard it is to lose weight, know that with every time you start a new diet, it always has it's low points or valleys. It would just seem that I am stuck in the valley right now, I need a wench to pull me out of it. I have had some emotional ups and downs that have probably helped me into this valley. It seems here lately that I have something running through my mind all the time. I worry about this or that or what someone says or the way I approach someone, I am always beating myself up over these things. I have had to deal with end of school stuff, making sure I have done everything right....be sure and don't ask my parents how I did, because they will just tell you that I don't know what I am doing. I feel very confident about how much they have both learned and feel sure that I did the best job possible for them. But then I will go and spend time with my family and realize that maybe I am not as smart as I think I am. Bad, huh??

We had my son's b-day party this past weekend, had a good time, until my mother decided to start running her mouth. I mean really come on, why do I even invite them?? It's not like they really want to be there anyway, why not save them the trouble of having to make up an excuse and me the trouble of having to spend time with them and bring me down. I was snappy all day before the event because of them, I know it was wrong. Made my kids and my dear sweet hubby mad at me before hand. Way to go Karen, bring down the ones that actually like you!! Loser, I swear!!

I have recently come into some knowledge about some things and I have come to realize that when people don't know that you know something about them and they try to cover up the wrong doing or injustice. It is quite comical to just sit back and watch the lies ensue. I mean, really people, haven't you heard the phrase..."oh,what tangled webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"? Obviously not!!

Oh well, until next time....be sweet and don't let your nose outgrow your lies!!

Another turn

Another turn in the road, another week goes by, this month is just slipping right through our hands. The last day of school is today, the kids are excited, but with summer, it always is a little bit bittersweet for me. I love having the kids out of school but with that comes the boys being gone for a week at a time with their dad. I hate to use the phrase, it is getting easier, but when we first had to do this. I would cry the day before they were leaving and by Wednesday of their week away, I would be a mess. I couldn't talk about them hardly or I was just so grumpy no one wanted to be around me. That part has gotten better or rather I have gotten better about letting them go. Isn't that what life is all about anyway, letting go and letting them grow up?

I realized last week as graduations were happening all around, that my oldest will be graduating in 3 short years. I can't believe that time has gone so fast. This can't be the same little boy that I brought home from the hospital and thought, this is the happiest day of my life. Now this little boy is getting ready to drive a car, get a job, date a girl.....come on, I want my baby back!! Well it's official, I am buying stock in the brick company because one way or another, those bricks are getting placed on the other two's heads to keep this from happening again. I'm too young for this....right....well I used to be young anyway.

I was talking to hubby the other day and talking about dream jobs, I want that job where the guy that drives around all over the country checking out little diners, drive-ins and dives, just driving around eating all the time....who you got to kill to get a job like that?? I mean come on, there has to be some kind of internship for that or at the very least an applicant process. Sign me up!!

I have heard the phrase "there is life and death in words" so true, as evidenced this last week, but that is another story for another day. This post is supposed to be upbeat and happy, we will say the sadness and gloom for my PMS day.

Our daughter had a big day on Saturday, she had her Kindergarten graduation and she also got to dance at the mall with her dance team. She is such a wonderful and blessed child, just to be in her presence makes my day better. She is so talented and loving and I have told Chris, this child is going to be something. She just has that....something!!

Well till next time....be sweet and don't forget to put those bricks on the kid's heads so they will stop growing!! :)

Time is flying by

I can't believe I haven't posted in nearly 2 weeks. The time is just zipping by. It has been a busy couple of weeks, we have softball games on two nights a week, we have basically quit the exercise class because of other things coming up. I know, headed down the wrong road. Still trying to eat well though, small consolation.

I noticed in my post from last time that I revealed a lot of myself, my dear hubby says, after reading it, "wow, you are sure putting yourself out there" at which point I was almost offended and took it down. But I didn't, so I think that says a lot about me and the fact that I am growing and that the more I write the more it almost seems therapeutic at times. I mean I will be writing something and then afterwards go back and read it and think, wow..that was pretty intense. Where did that come from?? I saw recently a show that Oprah did on past life regression,makes a person wonder...even if you don't believe in reincarnation, maybe the way I am now is because of someone that I was before. Could you even imagine?? Just something to chew on.

I had a great Mother's Day this year, once again reminded of why I am married to the most wonderful man alive, he and the kids helped to make my day extra special. I loved it and the best part was, the kids got along for the most part all day. I was amazed!! I went and spent a little time with my mom, I am going to hate saying this but I almost did it out of obligation. I was looking for her a card in the store and noticed that they didn't have one from Hallmark that said "Hey happy Mother's Day, thanks for making me question everything I do as a mother. Thanks for always making me feel not quite good enough or pretty enough." Some one should really complain to Hallmark about leaving out this group of mothers.

Got a lot of things whirling in my head these days, I am trying to come to some decisions and need a lot of wisdom. Starting to keep me up at night, so I just need to decide and be done with it.
As for the book I mentioned in the last blog, too scared to pick it up again. I know, so much for that growing thing, huh?? Well, baby steps here people, baby steps!!

Until next time...be sweet and write a letter to Hallmark for me :)

Week in Review 4-30-08

Oh my gosh, can you believe that tomorrow is going to be the first day of May?? I can't comprehend how fast this year is just zipping by. It seems like only yesterday that we were getting ready to have Tanner's birthday party last year and here it is again.

Since last week, we had our music intensive at church, learned some new songs, really fun. Learned how to warm up the vocals, I mean I could use all the help I can get, I will blow me some bubbles if it will help me. On the way to church, Kylie asks me what I am doing and Chris told her, "Mommy is warming up her voice" to which she replies, "I'll help you" too cute. Sunday, church service was amazing, never even got around to hearing the Pastor's prepared message, there was definitely a moving of the Holy Spirit that day. We all got a message that day, even if it wasn't the one on paper. Monday, raining and yucky and cold. Tuesday, softball game, school work, exercise class and dentist, this is how we spent our day. Today...who knows, we will see.

Chris and I started this book, "One Month To Live" Thirty days to a no-regrets life by: Kerry and Chris Shook, it is a 30 day devotional book, we are on day 3 and I have to say, I am struggling with it already. One of the questions was :If you were certain your life as you know it was going to end in 30 days, what would be your biggest regret? Why?........are you kidding me, I have so many, but what would be my biggest. I couldn't come up with an answer, well I mean I probably could, but I couldn't say it out loud. How could I tell the person that is closest to me in this world, that I feel like I have lived a wasted life, merely existed, never participated. I have let people use me, I have let people abuse me, I have just went through the motions of living. I really don't feel like I started living until about 8 years ago, I feel like that is when the shell was broken, the light broke through. I always walked on the safe side, that is why it is so hard for me to be open to people and why at times I may seem a bit harsh or bitter. I know, making excuses right, but not really, hear me out. My philosophy has always been, "I will not let another person get too close, I will not let another person hurt me, I will hurt them before they hurt me". I think it really started a very long time ago, with my parents, then it carried over into my dating relationships and then into my first marriage. Accepting the mental and sometimes physical abuse as just the normal. This was what I had known and come to expect. They say patterns repeat themselves and that you move toward what you are used to or seek it out. I guess that is why in my dating after my divorce, I was always looking for the other shoe to fall, so to speak. When I met Chris and he was....are you ready for this....nice to me, wanting to hear my opinion on stuff and actually asking advice or showering me with compliments...I was....how shall I say this.....not prepared at all. I didn't know how to react, I know that I liked it but I immediately started thinking, this can't be right. He hasn't called me fat or useless, what is he waiting on?? Then in my waiting for it to happen, I almost ran off the best thing in my life. I would push him to the breaking point at times, just to see if I could make him say ugly things to me or push me or threaten me. Surprisingly, he didn't. I thought, well it must not be love. If he loved me he would be doing these things. Then in God's infinite wisdom, he started allowing me to open up a bit, telling me "daughter, you have to trust again, I am always here". So slowly, I started opening up to this wonderful man that God had sent my way. I was still very cautious and even to this day have a hard time being completely honest about my feelings with others. I am getting better, I feel like anyway, others may see it differently.

So who knows, maybe I will be able to finish the book, for now I am not to proud to tell you, the first 2 chapters have scared the crap out of me. But as the book title says, I would love to live a no-regret life, wouldn't that be just amazing!!!!

Until next time...be sweet and don't eat too many green apples!!! :)

Whoa....where did that come from??

So it is Wednesday, tomorrow is weigh in day. I am so not looking forward to it. I weighed last week and didn't gain anything but who knows, maybe too much pollen has settled on me and will affect my scale reading. I know that too much pollen has settled in my nose and head, I wake up most mornings and can't breathe and my throat will be so rough and raw. Yuck, it just needs to move on out of here and leave me alone.

Softball season has started for our church and hubby and son are both playing this year, it is so much fun going out and watching the games. It is like watching all my brothers playing, if I had brothers. They are all family to me and I am having a great time cheering them on!! Of course I have to say, hubby is looking mighty fine out there, I mean come on, how does one man manage to make one ugly green shirt and shorts look so fine?? I am so blessed to have this man and watching him out there every week and seeing him get all hot and sweaty and catching and throwing and hitting.......whew...better stop, or this blog might need a rating!!

Our daughter is getting ready for her first big recital in June, we ordered the costume for the program...way too expensive for way too little material. Why do they insist on trying to make our little girls look like they are going on 20 or 30. Geez, let them be kids, bring back the Garanimals for all I am concerned.

As for any more light bulbs going off in my head as to why I choose to overeat instead of confronting problems.... I have some suspicions and I think I may be on to something but to say them out loud or to insinuate something would be wrong. In my mind, I know that I have several issues to deal with but the biggest and most painful is one that will never go away, it will continue to be there to remind me, your never going to be quite good enough, you will never completely measure up, you will always be less than adequate. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I am just finally realizing that I have been looking all my life for someone to love me and in that search, I have let others rob me of so much of myself, my self esteem, my love of my self, my ability to return love. I now have someone in my life that has shown me what true love is all about. I first gave my life to the Lord, I did this about 8 years ago and have tried to do the right things in life, I have tried to live as God would want me to, I struggle at times but know that it is because of my past. I have a wonderful husband who shows me on a daily basis that he loves me and cherishes me, this was who God destined me to be with, God sent this man to rescue me. The reason I know this is because the way we met, some things that have happened in our relationship that have no explanation other than, it has to be God!! I have come to realize that just when you think you have your life planned, then God just smiles and says...."Isn't that cute, they think they have it figured out"

Oh well......till next time, be sweet and just remember to count your blessings!!!

The number is....

Another week has come and gone, wow, it is so hard to believe that spring is here and the flowers are budding, the pollen count is high, the grass is getting greener, the smell of fresh cut grass feels the air. All of this leads to what....more allergies and sinus infections. I have been to the dr once already and I am anticipating it won't be long before I have to go again. I love the weather but the pollen I could do without. As youdrive around you see the fine yellow film on all the cars and then when it rains you find the little yellow puddles all around. So I guess we only have like 3 more months of this to look forward to.

It's grade card and weigh in time again, first, we weighed in last night after almost 3 weeks of not and I hadn't gained anything but unfortunately I hadn't lost anything either. Oh well, it couldn't have anything to do with those Dunkin Donuts munchkins I had last weekend or the other few times I have caught myself cheating. I think in part it is because I knew I wouldn't be weighing myself. Oh well, back on the wagon, even an alcoholic gets a 12 step program. So here I am saying...hi everyone I am fat and I cheated!!! As for the report cards, everyone is getting their report cards today, could be make or break days. We will see who gets to see the light of day for the next few days!!

I recently turned in mine and my daughter's application for camp this year, she is going for the first time, this will be my second. I went last year with the kids in the hopes that I would be able to be there to experience their first time at camp with them....boy was that a mistake. Oh well that is a whole other post for another day. I am going just in the parent capacity this year so hopefully I will be able to see her enjoying her camp experience. The upside for my hubby is that I will be gone for almost a week and he will be all by his self in bachelor hood again. I know that he says that he will miss me, but come on....what man doesn't toy with the idea of being single and all alone again...messy house, eating out of paper cartons and having the whole bed to themselves.

Oh well, till next time......be sweet and look both ways before crossing the street

Beginning again

Well another 10 weeks of wellness have started, they broke us up into two groups, advanced and beginning class. I unfortunately fell into the advanced class, remember how I said, I don't know if this is a good thing or bad thing......well it is a bad thing. They took us outside and had us run and walk for the first 15 minutes, now you might say...15 minutes. How bad could that be. Well I am here to tell you, for a fat girl who is out of shape....it was not a pretty sight. I managed to run the first two times and then had to walk because of the intense searing pain in my calves. I thought they would feel better if you just cut them off. How could there be so much pain, I mean my goodness, I had three kids and didn't hurt this bad. Or I might have, but there was drugs for it and a mother always forgets. It would be good if I could forget the pain of Tuesday night, now I don't want to repeat it.

We are coming to the end of the homeschooling year, only about 6 weeks left. It is so hard to be believe it has went so fast. I have enjoyed it , I feel like the kids have gained alot. I still think in my mind that I would like to go to work. I need that adult interaction, I am not content to just stay at home. Some women would be mad at me for saying that, because they would give anything to stay at home with their kids. I have loved being able to do it, but I am really not cut out to be the housewife. I hate housework, I really don't like cooking, I do it because it is what is considered my job. I do it without fussing most of the time, I let the kids make their messes, I let my husband make his messes and then I come behind them and clean it. I do it for a while and then it hits me, these people are expecting me to do this. The reason I know this is because when something isn't done they come to me and say...did you wash this for me, what did you do today, everyone gets up from the table and unless I go over to the kitchen sink and start washing dishes, everyone disappears as if the dishes will magically clean themselves. I have heard the groans and sighs when all I ask them to do is put away the clothes that I have washed, dried and folded for them...I mean come on, all I am asking is for you to put them away. I will trade with you, you do everything else and I will gladly put them away.

Well I haven't made any progress in the detective field, I am sure that my husband is so happy to hear that. He is the one that is trying to keep me from the information. I have no idea why, I just want to know a couple of things and he is very reluctant to tell me. It makes me very nervous and upset that he doesn't want to share this with me. I am an open book and have told him everything about my life, he on the other hand is a little tight lipped about certain things which I have questions about. Oh well, I will continue till I get some info one way or the other.

Well until next time......be sweet and go have a low fat snack

Amatuer Detective

Hey, wow can you believe this, two posts in one week. It has been a good week, not diet wise but personally. Hubby and I have been very bad this week as far as our diet is concerned, I ate a chocolate donut and it was so good, but thankfully I only ate one, then we ate take out on Wednesday night and to be honest, it was good at the time but about 30 minutes later, I was feeling really gross. Who would have thought that eating fast food again would make me feel so yucky?? I am not going to dare weigh in this week, I don't need that kind of disappointment. I will just wait till next week when I have had time to substantially starve myself and do this thing right.

The workout this week was really tough, they are calling us the advanced class, I don't know if that is good or bad for us. To me it sounds like they are just going to work us harder thinking we are advanced. Oh well the pain was there after class, it felt good to get that weak , water leg and arm thing going on. But hey if it will help me get rid of this old lady waddle arm thing, you know the thing where you raise your arm to wave at someone and then you realize that you feel this slight breeze when you do and think......wait that is my arm fat making that breeze!!! Down goes the arm and forget about sleeveless tops, who needs that embarrassment.

As for the amatuer detective title, I have found myself trying to play detective here lately and come to realize that it is harder than it looks. It seems that if you don't want to pay for the info than people don't want to help. It is also alot harder if you have very little info to go on. Kinda like trying to find a needle in a haystack, but hey there is more than one way to get to the bottom of that haystack. I have matches if needed. There are certain things in life that I just need to know and no matter what distractions or road blocks get thrown in my way I am determined to get to the bottom of the truth. That's right.....Deputy Dog is on the case.

Until next time.....be sweet and stay away from the Entemann's donuts.

Difficult time

Gosh, I have been racking my brain all weekend trying to think about something to blog about and have come up with.......are you ready......nothing..nada. I got nothing. So here goes the ramblings.

You may or may not know but I homeschool 2 of our kids. This was my first year and it started off great, everyone was all excited, everyone was willing to work for it, but here we are almost at the end and just like in regular school everyone is ready to start slacking off and there is no motivation. Our daughter's kindergarten graduation cap and gown has been ordered, the date is set and I feel like we are going to be working into the summer to finish. Probably not, but that is how it feels. Our son is so far behind, now he may be working into the summer. I find it hard to keep everyone on task and focused at times, even myself. I go back and forth, I would like to go back to work, I miss making money and helping out with the finance, if we run short on something I immediately start thinking, well if I was working we might be better off. Those kinds of thoughts will really do a number on your mental psyche. I know that our son is going to go to high school next year so I don't have to put him into the equation as far as making the decision about homeschooling, but I still have to consider our daughter. She is so smart and so sweet and so precocious, I want her to have all the advantages of school and get everything she can from it, but I also want her to not be slighted in the least and this is where the problem comes in. I doubt my own ability to do what is best for her. Oh well, another thing that I am going to have to pray about and seek advice.

Well our graduation for the first part of our weight loss series was this past Thursday night, I couldn't make it, I was sick for a few days but I have spoken to people that went and they said it was good. We got our certificates for completing the first leg of the journey. My sister and niece are going to join us this time so that should be fun. Hubby starts playing softball again soon, he played last year and I just have to say, watching him get out there and play.....wow...kinda had me crushing on him all the time. So needless to say I am looking forward to watching and cheering for him again. So it seems like the spring and summer months may be busy ones for us but they are always fun.

Until next time.....be sweet and go eat some apples!!!

Well that went fast!!

I can't believe that just 10 weeks ago we started the first round of the Wellness Steps, it seems like it just flew by. It has been an experience that is for sure. I have had ups and downs, emotional events that I just knew would send me over the eating edge....but suprisingly.....it didn't. I have a great support team by my side.

We (entire family and I) have already decided that we are going to sign up again to do the next 10 weeks of the program. I know me...if I don't have someone to hold me accountable, I won't do it. The exercise has been challenging, as you may have noticed reading my blogs so far, but I have to say, it wasn't that bad that I just said....Hey, I am not doing this. I kinda look forward to it and .....yes I am about to say something crazy here....the pain afterwards. It lets me know that I am doing it right and that I am using muscles that haven't seen day light in quite a while. I have noticed my arms getting more tone to them, my clothes fit differently, although the total weight loss number isn't that great, 9.5 lbs, I did lose 4.5 inches from my stomach. WOOHOO!!!!

I know that I have a long way to go, but for the first time in my life I actually feel like I am in control of this and not the food for once. I have always let it be the controlling factor in my life but the minute I said "God, I am going to need your help for this, to get healthy, I tried on my own and failed, now I need you" It was as if the Lord said...well it's about time girl.

I acutally wore a dress to church on Sunday that I hadn't been able to fit into in quite a while and it felt great, now mind you, the dress was very old fashioned and on the way home I told my hubby, I feel so old in this dress and probably will not wear it again, but still I got into it!!! Now I just have to work on the junk in my trunk and start getting it to disappear. It has made enough of an appearance in my life and needs to go. It needs to hit the bricks!!!!

Oh well till next time....be sweet and stay away from the chips!!!!

Possible explanation to last week

I just have to apologize right now for last week's ramblings in my post, I had thoughts in my head but they came out nothing like what I wanted. I read it a couple of days later and was like....what the crap was that all about? Then in God's infinite wisdom at our Sunday night small group we started a new bible study about Life Lessons, funny, I was going to title my blog last week that same thing.....anywho.....it was talking about life's and the world's unspoken rules. I think at times I have a hard time with the unspoken rules, I need to know what is expected of me at all times. I am not a fly by the seat of my pants kind of gal. Tell me what you want and then leave me alone to try and put my own Karen'ism on it.

My husband can totally attest to this, I drive him crazy asking all the time, what am I doing wrong, just be nice about it and then let it go. I will do my best to fix it. It all goes back to self confidence and my lack of it. I always assume that people are talking about me when they bring up hypothetical situations, or if I see people talking in a corner quietly, it immediately makes me think they are bad mouthing me. I mean come on, people have other things to talk about besides me, but in my sick little world, my walls go up. I have let alot of this go over the years, so you can imagine how bad it used to be. WHEW!!! It is hard being the mayor in my little world.

Well onto another subject that helps me deal with this cruel little world, food.... The weigh in this past week, I lost another pound, so that makes my grand total 10 now. I can tell a difference in the way my clothes fit but just to look at me, I still have so much weight to lose that it is hard to see a difference. But I am telling you this is so hard, I love to eat, I love all the great food that we have in this world...YUMMY, I have to say the thing I am missing most is the sweet stuff and chips. I could eat a whole sleeve of pringles, just the plain ones...lick the salt off of them and crunch them on down. But I won't , I made a vow to myself that I would change for once in my life I am going to do this for me. I said at first that I wanted to do this so my husband could be proud of me, but I really want to be proud of myself. I have to do this for me and no one else or it will never work.

Till next week...be sweet!!!

Weekly Update 3-6-08

It's hard to believe another week has come and gone. Another weigh in day, is it just me or do these seem to be coming quite a bit?? Well we will see, I have been sick this past week and not had much of an appetite so hopefully that will have helped, we will see.

I realized something this week, no matter how old we get we never stop seeking the approval of our parents and when we don't get it, it still hurts no matter the age. As kids we try to do everything right so that they will notice, we get the good grades, we mind the rules, we make the right choices, but still goes unnoticed. Then when we get to be adults we start to notice the little "over sights" the missed I love you, the little hidden jabs at times, the missed birthdays, the remarks that are intended purely for my 'growth", gee thanks, but you know what, you can keep them. I know that in my life I may not be the best mom or the best wife or the best housekeeper but I am doing the best I can and feel like I am a better parent to my kids and that is all that matters as we are supposed to take a little bit of everything we learned (good or bad) and use it to be better parents. I do know that as a wife I can honestly say that I have learned nothing except how to not be that type of wife. I have a wonderful husband whom I love and adore and would never dream of not letting him know what he means to me. I would never dream of cheating on my husband or making him him feel like he is less than the most important person in my life.
My life has been anything but easy, I married the first time just to get out of my house I think, anything would be better than staying, boy talk about wrong!! I ended up putting myself into a loveless marriage and then ended up losing part of myself in the process, all for just trying to get out of a less than perfect family life. Now if you asked my parents, where they good parents, they would say yes probably, so who knows what is right or wrong. All I know is that I am 37 years old and I am tired of trying to make people happy, while in the meantime, everyone else seems to be moving on and I am the only one still standing around waiting on the bus that has already ran.

Until next time....

Weekly Update 2/29th

Gosh, that is all I can say about this week, it has been a roller coaster ride. Monday was good, Tuesday was the exercise class and they tried yet once again to kick our butts, we held strong though. I have had a little extra motivation this week as well, my darling daughter who is 5 and going on 30 started telling me on Monday that she wanted me to lose 5 pounds this week, I was like, well honey, I will try but to lose that much is really tough. Especially seeing how I gained 2 pounds last week, I do have an excuse though, Ladies you will understand when I say.....PMS Week. I rest my case. So then on Wednesday morning we got some devastating news, our dear friend Carol passed away, she had been in the hospital for about a week and was in alot of pain and the dr's still couldn't determine what was going on, they first thought hepatitis and then a blocked small intestine duct and then eventually said that more testing was going to be done, mean while she continued to decline and on Wednesday morning the Lord decided it was time for her to stop suffering and took her home. My mind says that she is better off, but my heart still hurts for this beautiful, wonderful, strong woman. I will miss her smiling face and big warm heart.
You know they say that when things happen that shake you to your core you start to reevaluate and it is true, the small little piddly things just are not worth the time and energy it takes to take you away from your focus. God has a plan for all of our lives and the Devil tries so hard to throw us the proverbial curve ball, trying to get us off that purpose, but it is then that we have to stand up stronger and declare, I will not be moved, I will not be shaken.
Anyway, back to the week, Thursday was weigh in day, I stood up on the scales and guess what.....5 pounds. I was like ok, I have a new motivator, my daughter, I am going to let her kick my butt into losing this weight, just kidding, no kid needs that kind of pressure. But it was still cool to see her face light up when I told her I had done the 5 pounds, she was very happy for me.
After a very rough weekend and even rougher last half of the week, I am hoping that this next week will promise to be a better one, I don't know how much more emotional stuff I can take, but that is when the Lord says that he will come alongside us, never giving us more that we can handle as long as we have him.

Until next week, be blessed and go hug someone you love and tell them what they mean to you as we never know what tomorrow holds....

I might have a clue

Well today is another weigh in, yikes. I know that I have cheated a couple of times and I am scared, but hey at least I have someone to hold me accountable. I am not even going to try and make a prediction about tonight. At Tuesday's class they were thinking that maybe we as a whole were getting a little soft so what do they do , they bring in the big boobie, natzi barbie to teach us, or rather torture us. Another one of those gray areas. Hopefully she will get lost tonight or find some puppies that she needs to kick (just kidding) and won't be able to make it to class. I swear I don't know what goes thru their minds bringing in someone that is like a size 0 and thinking that is what we need to be motivated. Forget it!!

I have made a discovery about myself, I mean come on isn't that what this blog was supposed to be about, anyway, in my intense desire to please others, I have lost a piece of myself. The part of me that stands up for herself, that says, by george I am good enough, I deserve to be listened to. Now mind you just because I made the discovery doesn't mean that I have enough backbone to make any changes or do anything about it. I will still always just say...."ok, whatever you want, whatever you need." I made this discovery recently when I knew that I needed a new pair of jeans because of having holes in them and didn't feel like I deserved to get another pair because money might be tight or that someone else might need something. I mean come on, I need a new pair of jeans, why can't I just go get a pair of freaking pants. JEEZ!!! What a loser!!

Oh well, as you can tell....today is not one of my sunnier days. But hey they can't all be good.

Be sweet until next time.......

Weekly Update 2-18-08

Ok, so another week has come and gone, Thursday was Valentine's Day, hubby and I went out to dinner to one of the local favorites, we both ordered the chicken, it was so cute they cut it into little heart shapes. I didn't get to the weigh in on Thursday since they canceled the 6:00 class. So that gives me a couple of extra days to lose some weight. This exercise class keeps "stepping it up" every week, getting really intense. We are technically at the midway mark now so we will see how it goes. I am still waiting on the great light to go off in my head as to why I eat to fill "some unknown void" I have to say that I think it probably goes back years, many years. I have always felt the need to try and please others and be accepted, that is my guess to this whole crazy thing. But of course, I am no therapist, so that is just my uneducated and probably wrong conclusion. I am finally to a place in my life where I am happy in my relationship, I have some good friends, I have an awesome church family but still I want to eat. I still feel that emptiness at times, that loneliness, and in my mind still searching for acceptance from everyone.

I know that I am loved and appreciated by other people but I am still searching for that niche or place that I belong. God has a plan for all of our lives but I think I keep standing back and waiting on someone to tell me what that place is rather than stepping out and putting my faith in God and myself and finding my special purpose.

Hubby went for his second sleep study on Friday night, he said that he slept the best he had known in a while, they let him sleep with the new machine. So now he goes back in 2 weeks to get the machine to bring home.

Oh well, till next time....

What a weekend

Wow, that is all I can say about this past weekend, it was fan-freaking-tastic!!!! Oh my goodness, I am such a lucky woman to be married to such a wonderful man. Our retreat was really good, the speakers were great, fellowship was fun and just getting to spend quality time with hubby was the best. He is truly my soul mate and best friend.

Well for the weigh in, I lost 3 pounds again, yeah!!! So that makes the grand total, 6 pounds. Now only about......like I would tell you. Let's just say alot. This weekend I tried to stay good, but I am kinda dreading the weigh in on Thursday night. We will see how it goes. I am not looking forward to Tuesday night's class because at our last class they said that this weekd they are going to step it up again. At this rate we should be like toothpicks by the time the 11 weeks is done.

So anyways, onto something exciting, this morning hubby and I played Kiss and Tell on the local radio station against another couple. It was their version of The Newlywed Game, it was so much fun. We practiced all weekend, asking each other all kinds of questions, but apparantly not the right questions, because we didn't go over any of them that they asked. Oh well, we still did good, we won, they asked a total of 6 questions, and we only got 2 right but it was enough to win. So now we got a free dinner for 2 and a ice cream cake, a balloon bouquet and now our name goes into a drawing for a weekend away. So that is what we have to wait for.

Until next time.....

Weigh In Day

Well today is the day, weigh in day. The day that could make or break a spirit. Well at least they are weighing us and not checking blood pressure because I am sure that would be sky high just from worrying about it. I don't know if I mentioned it or not last time but at our workout on Tuesday night, Oh My Gracious, it was brutal. They like to call it stepping it up a bit, I like to call it Torture, but who can say, it is such a fine line there. I really think this instructor is the devil in drag. She walks around with that smile on her face, just makes me want to slap her. I think I may have some anger management issues to work thru, another gray area though!! :) Maybe if I just slap her but keep smiling like she does, it will make her like it.

I have to say the eating part of this "new lifestyle" is getting a little bit easier to do, now that isn't to say that I still don't want a piece of cake or some fries on any given day but at least I am making smarter choices now.

Hubby and I are getting out of town this weekend, no kids, woohoo.....I can't wait. We are going up early Friday morning with some friends to go to this time share presentation, the ones that give you money for just going. Ok, before you say it, yeah it might be a little bit wrong, but it's not like I am selling plasma or my eggs. I am sure that I will have a good story for Monday, I have heard these people can be pretty pushy at times trying to get you to buy.

Oh well, I will update later after the weigh-in.

I fell off the wagon

I think that is the term to use when you mess up, well this weekend, I messed up or fell of the wagon. I had ice cream on Saturday......AAAAHHHHHHH!!!! But I have to say it was so good. But afterwards, the guilt, good gracious you would have thought I just tried to sell one of my kids. I felt awful. But anyway, on to the good stuff....I lost 3 pounds at the weigh in on Thursday night......YEAHHH!!! It just feels so much better to actually lose some as opposed to not losing any or worse yet gaining.

We have a weekend marriage retreat with our church this weekend, I am sure that I am going to mess up then as well. I will try to do good though. I swear my husband is like crack to me though, he can look at me and give me that "come on, all the cool kids are doing it" look and I just say....Ok ,add another scoop!!! :) I must be addicted to my hubby as much as the ice cream.

I am so looking forward to this weekend though, I love getting away with my sweetie, and the plus is......no kids for 3 days. Just him and me....alone....3 days.....you do the equation!!!

My ankle is still hurting like a mug, gosh, the dr says this could go on for a couple of weeks. Probably wouldn't have hurt as bad had it been broken. Well until next time...be sweet!!