Week in Review 4-30-08

Oh my gosh, can you believe that tomorrow is going to be the first day of May?? I can't comprehend how fast this year is just zipping by. It seems like only yesterday that we were getting ready to have Tanner's birthday party last year and here it is again.

Since last week, we had our music intensive at church, learned some new songs, really fun. Learned how to warm up the vocals, I mean I could use all the help I can get, I will blow me some bubbles if it will help me. On the way to church, Kylie asks me what I am doing and Chris told her, "Mommy is warming up her voice" to which she replies, "I'll help you" too cute. Sunday, church service was amazing, never even got around to hearing the Pastor's prepared message, there was definitely a moving of the Holy Spirit that day. We all got a message that day, even if it wasn't the one on paper. Monday, raining and yucky and cold. Tuesday, softball game, school work, exercise class and dentist, this is how we spent our day. Today...who knows, we will see.

Chris and I started this book, "One Month To Live" Thirty days to a no-regrets life by: Kerry and Chris Shook, it is a 30 day devotional book, we are on day 3 and I have to say, I am struggling with it already. One of the questions was :If you were certain your life as you know it was going to end in 30 days, what would be your biggest regret? Why?........are you kidding me, I have so many, but what would be my biggest. I couldn't come up with an answer, well I mean I probably could, but I couldn't say it out loud. How could I tell the person that is closest to me in this world, that I feel like I have lived a wasted life, merely existed, never participated. I have let people use me, I have let people abuse me, I have just went through the motions of living. I really don't feel like I started living until about 8 years ago, I feel like that is when the shell was broken, the light broke through. I always walked on the safe side, that is why it is so hard for me to be open to people and why at times I may seem a bit harsh or bitter. I know, making excuses right, but not really, hear me out. My philosophy has always been, "I will not let another person get too close, I will not let another person hurt me, I will hurt them before they hurt me". I think it really started a very long time ago, with my parents, then it carried over into my dating relationships and then into my first marriage. Accepting the mental and sometimes physical abuse as just the normal. This was what I had known and come to expect. They say patterns repeat themselves and that you move toward what you are used to or seek it out. I guess that is why in my dating after my divorce, I was always looking for the other shoe to fall, so to speak. When I met Chris and he was....are you ready for this....nice to me, wanting to hear my opinion on stuff and actually asking advice or showering me with compliments...I was....how shall I say this.....not prepared at all. I didn't know how to react, I know that I liked it but I immediately started thinking, this can't be right. He hasn't called me fat or useless, what is he waiting on?? Then in my waiting for it to happen, I almost ran off the best thing in my life. I would push him to the breaking point at times, just to see if I could make him say ugly things to me or push me or threaten me. Surprisingly, he didn't. I thought, well it must not be love. If he loved me he would be doing these things. Then in God's infinite wisdom, he started allowing me to open up a bit, telling me "daughter, you have to trust again, I am always here". So slowly, I started opening up to this wonderful man that God had sent my way. I was still very cautious and even to this day have a hard time being completely honest about my feelings with others. I am getting better, I feel like anyway, others may see it differently.

So who knows, maybe I will be able to finish the book, for now I am not to proud to tell you, the first 2 chapters have scared the crap out of me. But as the book title says, I would love to live a no-regret life, wouldn't that be just amazing!!!!

Until next time...be sweet and don't eat too many green apples!!! :)

Whoa....where did that come from??

So it is Wednesday, tomorrow is weigh in day. I am so not looking forward to it. I weighed last week and didn't gain anything but who knows, maybe too much pollen has settled on me and will affect my scale reading. I know that too much pollen has settled in my nose and head, I wake up most mornings and can't breathe and my throat will be so rough and raw. Yuck, it just needs to move on out of here and leave me alone.

Softball season has started for our church and hubby and son are both playing this year, it is so much fun going out and watching the games. It is like watching all my brothers playing, if I had brothers. They are all family to me and I am having a great time cheering them on!! Of course I have to say, hubby is looking mighty fine out there, I mean come on, how does one man manage to make one ugly green shirt and shorts look so fine?? I am so blessed to have this man and watching him out there every week and seeing him get all hot and sweaty and catching and throwing and hitting.......whew...better stop, or this blog might need a rating!!

Our daughter is getting ready for her first big recital in June, we ordered the costume for the program...way too expensive for way too little material. Why do they insist on trying to make our little girls look like they are going on 20 or 30. Geez, let them be kids, bring back the Garanimals for all I am concerned.

As for any more light bulbs going off in my head as to why I choose to overeat instead of confronting problems.... I have some suspicions and I think I may be on to something but to say them out loud or to insinuate something would be wrong. In my mind, I know that I have several issues to deal with but the biggest and most painful is one that will never go away, it will continue to be there to remind me, your never going to be quite good enough, you will never completely measure up, you will always be less than adequate. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I am just finally realizing that I have been looking all my life for someone to love me and in that search, I have let others rob me of so much of myself, my self esteem, my love of my self, my ability to return love. I now have someone in my life that has shown me what true love is all about. I first gave my life to the Lord, I did this about 8 years ago and have tried to do the right things in life, I have tried to live as God would want me to, I struggle at times but know that it is because of my past. I have a wonderful husband who shows me on a daily basis that he loves me and cherishes me, this was who God destined me to be with, God sent this man to rescue me. The reason I know this is because the way we met, some things that have happened in our relationship that have no explanation other than, it has to be God!! I have come to realize that just when you think you have your life planned, then God just smiles and says...."Isn't that cute, they think they have it figured out"

Oh well......till next time, be sweet and just remember to count your blessings!!!

The number is....

Another week has come and gone, wow, it is so hard to believe that spring is here and the flowers are budding, the pollen count is high, the grass is getting greener, the smell of fresh cut grass feels the air. All of this leads to what....more allergies and sinus infections. I have been to the dr once already and I am anticipating it won't be long before I have to go again. I love the weather but the pollen I could do without. As youdrive around you see the fine yellow film on all the cars and then when it rains you find the little yellow puddles all around. So I guess we only have like 3 more months of this to look forward to.

It's grade card and weigh in time again, first, we weighed in last night after almost 3 weeks of not and I hadn't gained anything but unfortunately I hadn't lost anything either. Oh well, it couldn't have anything to do with those Dunkin Donuts munchkins I had last weekend or the other few times I have caught myself cheating. I think in part it is because I knew I wouldn't be weighing myself. Oh well, back on the wagon, even an alcoholic gets a 12 step program. So here I am saying...hi everyone I am fat and I cheated!!! As for the report cards, everyone is getting their report cards today, could be make or break days. We will see who gets to see the light of day for the next few days!!

I recently turned in mine and my daughter's application for camp this year, she is going for the first time, this will be my second. I went last year with the kids in the hopes that I would be able to be there to experience their first time at camp with them....boy was that a mistake. Oh well that is a whole other post for another day. I am going just in the parent capacity this year so hopefully I will be able to see her enjoying her camp experience. The upside for my hubby is that I will be gone for almost a week and he will be all by his self in bachelor hood again. I know that he says that he will miss me, but come on....what man doesn't toy with the idea of being single and all alone again...messy house, eating out of paper cartons and having the whole bed to themselves.

Oh well, till next time......be sweet and look both ways before crossing the street

Beginning again

Well another 10 weeks of wellness have started, they broke us up into two groups, advanced and beginning class. I unfortunately fell into the advanced class, remember how I said, I don't know if this is a good thing or bad thing......well it is a bad thing. They took us outside and had us run and walk for the first 15 minutes, now you might say...15 minutes. How bad could that be. Well I am here to tell you, for a fat girl who is out of shape....it was not a pretty sight. I managed to run the first two times and then had to walk because of the intense searing pain in my calves. I thought they would feel better if you just cut them off. How could there be so much pain, I mean my goodness, I had three kids and didn't hurt this bad. Or I might have, but there was drugs for it and a mother always forgets. It would be good if I could forget the pain of Tuesday night, now I don't want to repeat it.

We are coming to the end of the homeschooling year, only about 6 weeks left. It is so hard to be believe it has went so fast. I have enjoyed it , I feel like the kids have gained alot. I still think in my mind that I would like to go to work. I need that adult interaction, I am not content to just stay at home. Some women would be mad at me for saying that, because they would give anything to stay at home with their kids. I have loved being able to do it, but I am really not cut out to be the housewife. I hate housework, I really don't like cooking, I do it because it is what is considered my job. I do it without fussing most of the time, I let the kids make their messes, I let my husband make his messes and then I come behind them and clean it. I do it for a while and then it hits me, these people are expecting me to do this. The reason I know this is because when something isn't done they come to me and say...did you wash this for me, what did you do today, everyone gets up from the table and unless I go over to the kitchen sink and start washing dishes, everyone disappears as if the dishes will magically clean themselves. I have heard the groans and sighs when all I ask them to do is put away the clothes that I have washed, dried and folded for them...I mean come on, all I am asking is for you to put them away. I will trade with you, you do everything else and I will gladly put them away.

Well I haven't made any progress in the detective field, I am sure that my husband is so happy to hear that. He is the one that is trying to keep me from the information. I have no idea why, I just want to know a couple of things and he is very reluctant to tell me. It makes me very nervous and upset that he doesn't want to share this with me. I am an open book and have told him everything about my life, he on the other hand is a little tight lipped about certain things which I have questions about. Oh well, I will continue till I get some info one way or the other.

Well until next time......be sweet and go have a low fat snack

Amatuer Detective

Hey, wow can you believe this, two posts in one week. It has been a good week, not diet wise but personally. Hubby and I have been very bad this week as far as our diet is concerned, I ate a chocolate donut and it was so good, but thankfully I only ate one, then we ate take out on Wednesday night and to be honest, it was good at the time but about 30 minutes later, I was feeling really gross. Who would have thought that eating fast food again would make me feel so yucky?? I am not going to dare weigh in this week, I don't need that kind of disappointment. I will just wait till next week when I have had time to substantially starve myself and do this thing right.

The workout this week was really tough, they are calling us the advanced class, I don't know if that is good or bad for us. To me it sounds like they are just going to work us harder thinking we are advanced. Oh well the pain was there after class, it felt good to get that weak , water leg and arm thing going on. But hey if it will help me get rid of this old lady waddle arm thing, you know the thing where you raise your arm to wave at someone and then you realize that you feel this slight breeze when you do and think......wait that is my arm fat making that breeze!!! Down goes the arm and forget about sleeveless tops, who needs that embarrassment.

As for the amatuer detective title, I have found myself trying to play detective here lately and come to realize that it is harder than it looks. It seems that if you don't want to pay for the info than people don't want to help. It is also alot harder if you have very little info to go on. Kinda like trying to find a needle in a haystack, but hey there is more than one way to get to the bottom of that haystack. I have matches if needed. There are certain things in life that I just need to know and no matter what distractions or road blocks get thrown in my way I am determined to get to the bottom of the truth. That's right.....Deputy Dog is on the case.

Until next time.....be sweet and stay away from the Entemann's donuts.