What a goober

Ok, with a title like that one, you have to know this is going to be good. Let's see, since I last wrote, hubby had and accident on Friday of last week, this is the 2nd one for him in a month, this man must be stopped!! Anywho...Praise God he wasn't hurt, but that isn't the same story with our van, whole side dented in. It looks really bad, we are just so thankful that our daughter wasn't sitting in the van because that is usually where she sits.
We drove the van, or rather, I drove the van the rest of the weekend, it did fine. We took it in to get an estimate on it Monday morning, to which we got some very disturbing news, it was going to take 2 weeks to fix, WHAT!!!! If Extreme Home Makeover can build a whole house in a week, why is it going to take 2 weeks to fix one door on a van. Who knows, I don't build them or fix them and who are we to argue. They have us at their mercy. So then dude says the next words that are meant to bring fear to anyone.....we may just have to total it. Are you kidding me, it doesn't look that bad, come on!!
So that was the final prognosis, total it, we are supposed to be signing the papers today to surrender the van. Totally sucks, so now we are going to borrow a van until we can get to go look at something else to replace it.

I said all that to get back to my weight loss, my goal this week was 4 pounds. I have been eating just like I should, no slips. I have even done the exercises at home. Yeah for me right?? The weigh in for this week is tomorrow night so we will see how I did. I took a spill on Monday night and twisted my ankle really bad, hurts like a mug. I eventually gave in an went to get it looked at , no broken bones but they gave me this very attractive boot to wear. I have to say, once all the ladies at church see me wearing this, I am sure they are going to be wanting one!!! :)

So all in all, I think I have done pretty good, I mean for a stress eater......I have had the stress and I haven't eaten, can you imagine?? Oh my gosh I have actually showed some will power.

Now that doesn't mean I couldn't dive into a cheeseburger the size of my head with the grease dripping to my elbows...now come on you know that makes a lovely picture!!!

And the big number is...

Zero...that's right folks you heard it here first. Nothing, nada, zip, talk about a disappointment. I had to go in the bathroom and have me a big ole girl cry. I just knew that I was going to have something and then nothing. Hubby and everyone kept saying, well at least you didn't gain anything, trying to make me feel better. I have to say it almost hurt worse,it was as if they were saying, hey at least you didn't get fatter, that is a plus right?? I know they didn't mean that and were just trying to ease my hurt a little but when you have dealt with weight your whole life it tends to be a very touchy subject. I am very blessed to have such a wonderful husband and friends but this is one demon that no one is going to be able to wish away or exercise but me.

So on I go to the exercise class and with the diet, I will do this, even if it kills me physically or emotionally. I think I am going to have to make me some small goals that way when I reach the small goals, I will feel like more of a success and less like a loser. So my new goal for next week is 4 pounds and to add more exercise into my day.

Till, tomorrow......

Oh my goodness!!

Well the first exercise class was last night....I went. I stubbed my toe yesterday and told hubby that because of my injury I wasn't going to be able to go to class. Well you guessed it, he didn't buy it. I took my daughter to ballet last night and then went and picked up the "warden" (hubby) and off we go to class. The parking lot is full, enough reason to go home right, can't find a parking spot? There are probably 50 people in the gym, some getting ready to work out some ending their workout and cooling down. Then the instrustor tells us, just start walking to warm up, now keep in mind this is just a normal size gym, well you get like 50 people walking a circle, around and around and around, of course I am getting lapped by people younger than me and the part that really stunk was.....I was getting lapped by old people. But at least I am there doing it right, don't I get some kind of credit for that?? I realized really quickly that I had the wrong shoes on, my shins were burning like they were on fire. Someone get a fire hose. How long is this torture going to last, I finally took my shoes off and walked barefooted, much better.

Then we take our positions for the workout with the bands and the stretching, after about 5 minutes, this ceases to be fun anymore, it was work. I did well with all the band work and then this wicked woman said the dreaded words, we are now going to do squats. Oh crap, this is going to get hard now. She gives the demonstration for the squat, the proper way to do it so it won't be painful, it took me all of about 5 to realize that no matter how proper you do them....they hurt. She says, now don't stick your booty out, just squat like you are sitting in a chair.......now people I have been getting in and out of chairs for all of 37 years and have never felt pain like I felt last night. Since when do we sit down with our legs spread wide open, no one does this, unless you are Brittany Spears or Lindsey Lohan wanting to show off your newest pair of panties or lack there of, this is just now how you sit down or get up.

Then she sends us to walking again, this one wasn't so bad because I started this time with no shoes, so it didn't feel like I needed ice for my shins.
Fast Forward to this morning.........

OOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!!! My thighs hurt so badly this morning, I am afraid to move.....wait I should just drink more water, that seems to be the cure all for everything.

Well in other good news, the weigh in is tomorrow night, I think I need to go stock up on laxatives and things to make me throw up all day.

Well tune in tomorrow for the latest on my weigh in, I swear if I havent' lost any weight, someone is going to get hurt tomorrow and I won't be held responsible for my actions. :)

Day 2, It still is there

Well I got up this morning expecting a miracle....I mean I had been on this diet...no wait we aren't calling it that, My "new way of life" I had been on it for one whole day, I should be thinner right??? Well it was still there, I guess I may have to hang with this just a bit more. Hubby and I were sitting around yesterday afternoon, just enjoying each other's company and he says to me, "Honey, I don't want to alarm you, but I am having a few chest pains." You don't want to alarm me, it's not like you just told me "Honey we are out of peanut butter" Men, I swear, no sense of urgency at all. He didn't want to get checked out, but here we are just starting this new way of life and it is already trying to kill him. He must have forgotten that I am an emotional eater, worry eater, sympathy eater, well heck lets just be honest.......I will eat with you and for you over just about anything.

Well the exercise class starts tomorrow, boy I have to say I am really looking forward to that one...did that come out sarcastic....if not it probably should have. I have to say I am a little bit scared about it. I mean it's not the fact that I will probably be the fattest woman in the class, or that I am doing it with a lot of people that I know and who in my mind are just waiting on me to fail. It's like let's see how long the fat girl can hold out, they are probably setting up a betting board somewhere, well maybe not, but you see how my mind works. I tried an exercise class once several years back, a women's only club, notice I said once. That is all it took for me to make a complete fool out of myself. I went in there pumped, ready to go... I made it one time around the circuit training course, fell off the machine and twisted my ankle, the trainer came over, helped me up out of the way of the other die hard exercise freaks, didn't want to slow them down. I left there humiliated and never went back, lets just hope we don't go down that road again.

You always hear people say, you need to find out what is at the root of your eating habits, what makes you the emotional, stress eater. I have no idea really, if we knew that we wouldn't be fat now would we?? Hopefully, by doing this journaling, something will make sense, something will click or it could just be the ramblings of a very overweight and unhappy woman. Well who knows, maybe when I wake up tomorrow, the weight will be gone......stay tuned....

Who would have thought??

Well as of yesterday, I guess you could say I am educated in the way of nutrition, who are we kidding, even the nutritionist are not educated. I went to the mandatory nutritional class on Saturday for the wellness program that I am beginning. It was very informative and actually very enlightening. I learned that you must, must must eat at least three meals a day plus snacks. I am thinking this is gonna be good, I can still eat. Then they say the dreaded words that no overweight person wants to hear........no chips, no sugar, no chocolate......are you kidding me, what is left.
Then the nerve of these people, they tell us we must eat our veggies, have they been talking to my mom. I learned that as a child, hey maybe mom did know something. You can bet I won't be telling her she was right anytime soon. Drink lots of water..ok, this was the formula, take your weight, divide it in half and that is what you should be drinking in ounces. WHAT?????I could probably drown in those kinds of numbers.

So today, the first day of our program, I got up ate my bowl of no flavor Cheerios, ate my banana and drunk the first bottle of water. Ok, only like 14 more bottles to go. I then take my snack, 1 granola bar, and bottle of water to church. I drink half of my second bottle and then it hits me......what goes in, must come out. So it would appear that the bathroom is going to be my new best friend. I didn't get to eat my snack until after church, best thing I had ever put in my mouth, hubby was eating his snack of peanut butter crackers, I was like a dog when I smelled that peanut butter, nose up in the air.....YUMMY!! Came home, ate my delicious meal of double cheeseburger and fries or at least that was what I was imagining my turkey sandwich to be and the carrot sticks needed to be deep fried.

So here I am on day one, already telling myself, maybe fat isn't so bad!!!!!

I am off to drink more water, and get my life preserver!!!

Blogger Virgin

Ok, well this is my first. Please be kind! :) I have decided to blog my weight loss goals and success and struggle. In between I will let you know about me and my family, which are the strength of my life. Let me give you a little bit of background first:

I have never been a small woman by no means, even in my teen years which were my smallest, I was still what would be considered overweight. I think I was like a size 14 in my senior year of school. Now mind you that isn't big according to studies today, that is the more closely what the average woman is today. But when you are in high school, that was big. When I got married the first time at age 20, my wedding dress was a size 18, so you can see that it was always fluctuating. I got pregnant within the first year of marriage and put on weight, my son was about 9 months old and I found out I was pregnant again, with that wonderful child came more weight. As my marriage continued to get worse, I used food to help deal with it. I loved being a mom, but now I was a sahm of 2 small boys, a recluse almost, and the weight kept piling on. When both my boys got in school, I decided that I wanted to go back to work, I started volunteering at their school which led to me being able to become a substitute teacher and was working just about everyday. This opened up the door for me to get my first full time job in almost 6 years. I loved it and in turn started loving feeling like I mattered again, like people cared about what I had to say and think. I started to lose a little bit of weight, I started also taking the diet pill, Metabolife, really helped (before it was known to be so bad for you). I lost over 60 pounds in about a year's time. I was enjoying going shopping for clothes again.

It was at about this time that my marriage was done, after almost 10 years of putting up with so much crap and emotional junk, I finally had enough. Ironically, I left my husband and filed for divorce on our 10th anniversary date, I know probably cold, but so was my marriage. I went out and found an apartment for me and my boys, that's right, this woman that had been told for years that she couldn't find her way across the street unless someone was holding her hand, actually found and rented an apartment. I'm telling you, talk about freedom. I still managed to lose some more weight and keep it off, I was feeling very good about myself. I had met and fell in love with another man, the man! They always say you just know, well, you do!!

We continued dating, dealing with a long distance relationship, then it happened again.....I got pregnant quite by surprise to both of us. In the back of my mind I was thrilled but I was also thinking, this means the weight is coming back. I did really good about my weight gain during the pregnancy. We got married, we got a house together, we blended our family and awaited the birth of this new child. After she was born, I still managed to keep the weight off for a little while and then I went back to old habits, and it started coming back. I have to say it wasn't done out of unhappiness but just stupidity. I didn't really care enough about myself to make the change or do anything to stop it.

So now, I am today, at my highest weight I have ever been in my life. I am just disgusted with myself and the shape I have let myself get into.I want to be able to look in the mirror and be proud of myself and see a pretty woman instead of the weight. I am so ready to make a change but in the back of my mind, I have fear, fear of failure, fear of bringing more attention to myself, fear of having to face the weigh-ins, everything. But that is why I am blogging it, as sorta my online journal of my journey to a new me.