Blogger Virgin

Ok, well this is my first. Please be kind! :) I have decided to blog my weight loss goals and success and struggle. In between I will let you know about me and my family, which are the strength of my life. Let me give you a little bit of background first:

I have never been a small woman by no means, even in my teen years which were my smallest, I was still what would be considered overweight. I think I was like a size 14 in my senior year of school. Now mind you that isn't big according to studies today, that is the more closely what the average woman is today. But when you are in high school, that was big. When I got married the first time at age 20, my wedding dress was a size 18, so you can see that it was always fluctuating. I got pregnant within the first year of marriage and put on weight, my son was about 9 months old and I found out I was pregnant again, with that wonderful child came more weight. As my marriage continued to get worse, I used food to help deal with it. I loved being a mom, but now I was a sahm of 2 small boys, a recluse almost, and the weight kept piling on. When both my boys got in school, I decided that I wanted to go back to work, I started volunteering at their school which led to me being able to become a substitute teacher and was working just about everyday. This opened up the door for me to get my first full time job in almost 6 years. I loved it and in turn started loving feeling like I mattered again, like people cared about what I had to say and think. I started to lose a little bit of weight, I started also taking the diet pill, Metabolife, really helped (before it was known to be so bad for you). I lost over 60 pounds in about a year's time. I was enjoying going shopping for clothes again.

It was at about this time that my marriage was done, after almost 10 years of putting up with so much crap and emotional junk, I finally had enough. Ironically, I left my husband and filed for divorce on our 10th anniversary date, I know probably cold, but so was my marriage. I went out and found an apartment for me and my boys, that's right, this woman that had been told for years that she couldn't find her way across the street unless someone was holding her hand, actually found and rented an apartment. I'm telling you, talk about freedom. I still managed to lose some more weight and keep it off, I was feeling very good about myself. I had met and fell in love with another man, the man! They always say you just know, well, you do!!

We continued dating, dealing with a long distance relationship, then it happened again.....I got pregnant quite by surprise to both of us. In the back of my mind I was thrilled but I was also thinking, this means the weight is coming back. I did really good about my weight gain during the pregnancy. We got married, we got a house together, we blended our family and awaited the birth of this new child. After she was born, I still managed to keep the weight off for a little while and then I went back to old habits, and it started coming back. I have to say it wasn't done out of unhappiness but just stupidity. I didn't really care enough about myself to make the change or do anything to stop it.

So now, I am today, at my highest weight I have ever been in my life. I am just disgusted with myself and the shape I have let myself get into.I want to be able to look in the mirror and be proud of myself and see a pretty woman instead of the weight. I am so ready to make a change but in the back of my mind, I have fear, fear of failure, fear of bringing more attention to myself, fear of having to face the weigh-ins, everything. But that is why I am blogging it, as sorta my online journal of my journey to a new me.