Oh my gosh, can you believe that tomorrow is going to be the first day of May?? I can't comprehend how fast this year is just zipping by. It seems like only yesterday that we were getting ready to have Tanner's birthday party last year and here it is again.
Since last week, we had our music intensive at church, learned some new songs, really fun. Learned how to warm up the vocals, I mean I could use all the help I can get, I will blow me some bubbles if it will help me. On the way to church, Kylie asks me what I am doing and Chris told her, "Mommy is warming up her voice" to which she replies, "I'll help you" too cute. Sunday, church service was amazing, never even got around to hearing the Pastor's prepared message, there was definitely a moving of the Holy Spirit that day. We all got a message that day, even if it wasn't the one on paper. Monday, raining and yucky and cold. Tuesday, softball game, school work, exercise class and dentist, this is how we spent our day. Today...who knows, we will see.
Chris and I started this book, "One Month To Live" Thirty days to a no-regrets life by: Kerry and Chris Shook, it is a 30 day devotional book, we are on day 3 and I have to say, I am struggling with it already. One of the questions was :If you were certain your life as you know it was going to end in 30 days, what would be your biggest regret? Why?........are you kidding me, I have so many, but what would be my biggest. I couldn't come up with an answer, well I mean I probably could, but I couldn't say it out loud. How could I tell the person that is closest to me in this world, that I feel like I have lived a wasted life, merely existed, never participated. I have let people use me, I have let people abuse me, I have just went through the motions of living. I really don't feel like I started living until about 8 years ago, I feel like that is when the shell was broken, the light broke through. I always walked on the safe side, that is why it is so hard for me to be open to people and why at times I may seem a bit harsh or bitter. I know, making excuses right, but not really, hear me out. My philosophy has always been, "I will not let another person get too close, I will not let another person hurt me, I will hurt them before they hurt me". I think it really started a very long time ago, with my parents, then it carried over into my dating relationships and then into my first marriage. Accepting the mental and sometimes physical abuse as just the normal. This was what I had known and come to expect. They say patterns repeat themselves and that you move toward what you are used to or seek it out. I guess that is why in my dating after my divorce, I was always looking for the other shoe to fall, so to speak. When I met Chris and he was....are you ready for this....nice to me, wanting to hear my opinion on stuff and actually asking advice or showering me with compliments...I was....how shall I say this.....not prepared at all. I didn't know how to react, I know that I liked it but I immediately started thinking, this can't be right. He hasn't called me fat or useless, what is he waiting on?? Then in my waiting for it to happen, I almost ran off the best thing in my life. I would push him to the breaking point at times, just to see if I could make him say ugly things to me or push me or threaten me. Surprisingly, he didn't. I thought, well it must not be love. If he loved me he would be doing these things. Then in God's infinite wisdom, he started allowing me to open up a bit, telling me "daughter, you have to trust again, I am always here". So slowly, I started opening up to this wonderful man that God had sent my way. I was still very cautious and even to this day have a hard time being completely honest about my feelings with others. I am getting better, I feel like anyway, others may see it differently.
So who knows, maybe I will be able to finish the book, for now I am not to proud to tell you, the first 2 chapters have scared the crap out of me. But as the book title says, I would love to live a no-regret life, wouldn't that be just amazing!!!!
Until next time...be sweet and don't eat too many green apples!!! :)
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