I have to say this blog really started out as just a whim but has really turned into something that I enjoy doing and look forward to writing my thoughts and feelings down for. I had started journaling in a book that I got a while back and I mean wow, the things that just pour out when you write, I mean it is one thing to have the thoughts and feelings in your head and body but when you start putting them on paper. So therapeutic, who needs therapy?? Just start journaling. I have always wanted to do a gratitude journal but could never get in the habit of it.
I am coming to a new milestone in my life, I have had my kids, I love them dearly but the thoughts of having another one actually make me cringe. I know that I have exactly what God wanted me to have and I am happy with that knowledge. I don't think I could be a good parent to anymore children, I find myself at my wit's end at some points and think, what in the world was I thinking?? With that being said, and after some health problems I am going to have the big surgery, hysterectomy, the date is already set. June 18, that is the day that I become less of a woman, or not a whole woman anymore. It is so scary at times, I was reading a booklet that I got from a support group, of women that have and are waiting to go through the same procedure. It talks about all the things you need to do to prepare your mind and body and home for this major thing. What to expect in the first couple of weeks, what not to do and what to do. The lists where long for both. I was a little scared before hand but after reading it I was, I have to say it, a little bit on the terrified side and it probably didn't help any that my dear sweet loving husband, as I am trying to read him some of the book, he just walks out of the room as if I am not talking and then when he comes back, stupid me tries to bring it up again and he says, "well, won't you feel better and be up like the next day??" I have to say that at that point that I knew that he would never understand how I was feeling. Being able to bear children used to be the sign of a good woman, now knowing that and also knowing that I don't want anymore children but just the fact that it could never happen again, that I will never have that feeling of carrying a child again, never feel that kicking or moving inside me, knowing that I am sustaining another life, is a very scary and unsettling thing to a woman. I don't think that a man could ever understand that, or even comprehend it. It kinda feels like I will be less of a woman in his eyes, though I know in my head that is not what he is thinking. I guess I just needed him to listen and he immediately tried to come up with a solution, which is what guys do, but at that given moment, that is exactly what I didn't need.
I don't anticipate anything going wrong with the surgery, I have a good doctor and totally trust her, but I still can't help being scared. This will be the longest and most major surgery that I have and hope to ever go through. I am hoping that afterwards I am going to feel so much better and be able to not worry about certain days of the month anymore, that my life will be better because of this. I have talked to a few women in different stages of their recovery and all have said the same thing, they never regret doing it. I know that in time I will be able to add my name to that list as well, but for now the only thing I am consumed with is fear. So that is where I am going to have to turn it over to God and ask for his help with my fear. I need a new peace now and a calm to settle over me or I may end up calling and canceling what is needed to make me feel better.
Until next time.....be sweet and go hug someone you love today!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment